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HP Fanfics by Second-Thoughts


Submitted on
August 21, 2007
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Quotes/ words that should be in Harry Potter but Aren’t:

- “Geez, Voldemort, stop acting so gay!”

- Fabulous

- “Bellatrix, stop groping me.  Just…just…go stand over there.”

- “Tell me Lucius, who’s the prettiest ballerina of them all?” Voldemort gave a cold smile at the clearly horrified man.

- “Sooo, what’s REALLY going on between his lordship and that snake, hmm?”

-“Wait a minute,” Harry said. “You want me to put this Snitch where now?”

- “What we need,” Voldemort mused, “is some sort of sign that people can rally around. To keep the masses happy and unrebellious.” Snape gasped. “You mean-” “Yes.” Voldemort allowed a vicious, cold smile to play upon his lips. “What the Death Eaters need, is a theme song.”


- “One of you go see if the boy is alive. No, don’t poke him with that, Fenrir!”

- Flirtatious

- Glittery

- Pedophilic

-“Damn that Malfoy boy is sexy.” “GINNY!” “What, I was just saying-”

- Hoshit!

- “Harry Potter, you pathetic twit. Come here so I can smack you properly.”

- “GODDAMMIT, now is not the time for that! We are out here, risking our lives and fighting off Death Eaters, and they are making-out in a girls’ restroom?”

- “Sucks for you, Harry!”

- “Well, the mushrooms looked edible!”

- “Kreacher, how exactly do you snog a pair of trousers? Wait-Don’t answer tha-KREACHER, NOOO!”

-“My Lord, with all due respect, if you do not undo whatever you did to my hair in the next FIVE SECONDS, your eyes won’t be the only things that are slitted.”

- Freaking

-Voldemort rushed on through the night towards his last Horcrux, a crazed look in his eyes. Potter had gotten the ring, he had gotten the locket, but Voldemort would be damned if the blasted boy was going to lay one finger on his bunny slippers!

-“Perhaps Draco will baby-sit the cubs!” “Does Lucius Malfoy have to curse a bitch?”

- “Screw guarding Sirius Black’s old house; let’s go get drunk!”

- “What are you doing here?” Harry asked, bewildered. Draco spun around, did a double-take, then glared at Harry and made an obscene hand gesture.

- “HERMIONE! HERMIONE! HERMIO-” Ron was cut off suddenly when Harry smacked him and yelled “For God’s sake, SHUT THE HELL UP!”

- “I’ll get you, Harry Potter, and your little owl, too!”

-“Snape has a female patronus? Alright, Severus, what aren’t you telling us?”

- Voldemort glared angrily at the house-elf carrying the offending meal. “The Dark Lord,” he explained slowly, “does NOT eat muffins!”

-“Why? Why isn’t it possible?” The Dark Lord raged at his cowering victim. “Tell me WHY!” He snarled as he paced furiously. “My lord, have you considered the possibility that you’re taking your loss to this muggle game a bit too seriously?” Lucius Malfoy offered meekly. “NO I’M NOT TAKING IT TOO SERIOUSLY!” Voldemort roared. “IF I AM TO HAVE A WEAKNESS, IT IS NOT GOING TO BE DDR!”

- “Kreacher angry! Kreacher SMASH!”

-Ron, Hermione, and Harry all stood around the body of their fallen foe. “So, whadda’ya reckon?” Ron asked, gazing at the lifeless form of Voldemort. “Boxers or briefs?”

- And thus, Harry never did get a high school education.

- Victor Krum was one sexually frustrated Quidditch Champion.

- The Boy Who Continued to Live nearly died with laughter when the Malfoys turned up to their disciplinary hearing. Lucius Malfoy was wearing a tux, complete with top hat and cane, while his wife wore a pale blue satin ball gown with elbow-length gloves. Draco was wearing blue jeans and a black tee-shirt that said “I was forced to try and kill Albus Dumbledore, I had to put up with Snape for seven years, the Ministry raided my house more times than I have fingers, I couldn’t get away from Delores Umbrage, Death Eaters moved into my house, Voldemort made fun of me and my family, I had to hurt people to stop my parents from being killed, I watched my Mom and Dad tortured, my wand was stolen, I still haven’t won a Quidditch game against Harry Potter, and all I got was this lousy tattoo, and even that went away after Voldemort’s downfall.” It was the start of a long and lasting friendship.
Full title: Quotes that SHOULD be in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows but Aren't for Some Reason.

Not that Harry Potter was bad. I loved it.

It's pretty late to be jumping on the HP bandwagon, though. But it took me a while to screw my courage up to post this since it's my first deviation, so please be gentle.
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yaoiluvr13 Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2014
I laugh sooo friggin' hard every time I read this. I just can't help it! It's hilarious!
Blurrykitty Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2014  New member Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Anubisgirl99 Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2014
I especially love the last one.
Tuggersgirl Featured By Owner Edited Nov 25, 2014  New member
lol lol lol!!!!!!:D (Big Grin) :D (Big Grin) :D (Big Grin) :D (Big Grin) 
Rookanga1945 Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2014  Hobbyist
I think you forgot "And I would have got away with it too if it weren't for you meddling kids!" Voldemort sneered.
TheScribbleArtCreeps Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2014  Student Artist
Error. thescribbleartcreeps.23.WHATNOW! has stopped working. reason:died of this fan fiction
friedcheese22 Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2014
Error. friedcheese22.exe has crashed. Reason: Too much funniness on one page.
BecomingOblivion Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Good thing they weren't.
JulsLovesBlue Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2014
I love it. It's so funny! Would it be possible for you to make a fanfiction in which the last scene actually happens?
Aloisia7277 Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2014
This is just funnier the more times I read it omg cry 
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